Sunday, September 25, 2005

Miss Maryland


Ok, so... 9th Grade at St. Paul's School for Girls means many things: our uniform now consists of skirts AND jumpers (score!), we finally have classes with boys (foreign language and some sciences), coordinated musicals/dramas, and Spirit Dances. Really tres exciting (insert tongue in cheek).

9th grade also meant geometry. And for molly- geometry was not a good thing. I believe I've already sufficiently established my aversion to the world of sciences, but math was never a problem for me. Much.

BUT- geometry, not my bag, baby. Theorems? Proofs? Huh? I couldn't fathom it. Too abstract. Too unnecessary, it seemed to me, to prove something that has already been proven. I didn't want to create theories, I just wanted to solve problems. And geometry didn't let me do that.

So... is it my fault that I was a little distracted in class? I'll accept minimal responsibility. But only minimal, because I had a crazy ass teacher... one LuAnn Blackman. And SHE. HATED. ME. Not sure why.

Mrs. Blackman had a "thing" about throwing objects: specifically sharpish objects- pens, pencils, those little things that you use to draw perfect circles (see- i told you i hated geometry), chalk ...you get the picture. Friend and fellow geometry classmate Lib had this to say, which beautifully sums up the situation:

"Do you guys remember how she would always freak about eye injuries that could possibly be inflicted by projectiles including pens and chalk because her husband worked at the eye clinic. And we always assumed he was a doctor but then it turned out he was in administration and she was just a freak? Ah the good old days."

Yes, Mrs. Blackman was a weird little lady. You couldn't toss a girl a can of Diet Coke without "the lecture." Well, like Lib mentioned, I once got kicked out of Geometry for tossing a pencil- TOSSING A PENCIL- a dull one, at that, to Marcela freshman year. I received the same lecture as described, only since Marcela was her prized pupil, you'd have thought I sacrificed the Christ Child. Holy Jeebus!

In fact, now that I think of it, Mrs. Blackman hated me just as much as she hated Pallavi... only she didn't like Pallavi due to lack of geometric skills, and me because I almost took out her star pupil. But I'm over it, clearly.

Imagine my surprise when my friend Allyson sent THIS ARTICLE around our SPSG email group.

Miss Maryland Eh? Incredible. Must have been some STIFF competition. And I can say I knew her when... Silly pageantry.

I hope this is as amusing to all of you faithful readers as it is to me. But if not, well, at least I gave you one thing more to read today, no?

Be smart, be good, and don't throw anything sharp because you may poke someone's eye out and fail geometry.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Saved By The Bell

Someday, I'll write my own material. Until then, I give you this (courtesy of my friend THE SPORTS GUY on ESPN.com Page 2). He answers questions that fans of his page write in and ask, and answers them... for all to see. Hilarity ensues:

Q: Please help settle a long-standing debate a friend and I have going. How far did Zack Morris get with Kelly Kapowski?-- Jonathan Chavez, Cambridge, Mass.

Sports Guy: I was thinking about bothering my new ESPN colleague Mario Lopez with this one (sorry, I just had to see how that looked in print) before deciding to take this one myself. I don't think Zack sealed the deal until the "College Years" ... and that show never happened. So I'm going with third base. And I mean "third base" in the context of when the show happened (the early-'90s), not what "third base" means now, which is probably something like "a threesome that isn't videotaped."


Q: Hey Bill, if you submitted your East Coast fantasy rosters to Vegas, do you think they would post odds on your league champion? If I could get +500 or better on Wyman's team, I think I'd take it. I also think I might have a gambling problem.-- Chris M., Bowmanville, Ontario

Sports Guy: In your defense, you live in Bowmanville, Ontario.

Q: I've never heard anyone ever speak of this, but don't you think Forrest Gump would have gotten HIV from Jenny? Or what about Forrest Jr.? I mean, she obviously died of AIDS, with the drugs, needles, orgies and what have you. Do you think either of them got tested? Or maybe he was just so blessed it somehow avoided them. But let's not deny the fact that Forrest Gump had unprotected sex with Jenny while she had HIV. -- Brian G., Quincy, Mass.

SG: Wait a second ... that was your biggest issue with Forrest Gump? What about the scene when he ran back and forth across the country for 18 months, and we never found out how he ate, slept or went to the bathroom? You were fine with that sequence, but you're demanding a Forrest Gump HIV test?

CLICK HERE to read the entire article.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

molly j: cartoon style

Good Golly

It has been called to my attention that I have been spending and inordinate amount of time working, and not nearly enough time blogging. In lieu of said outcry, I will do my best to remedy this gross injustice lest it completely destroy my life's work of finding, making, keeping and finally entertaining friends. That would be bad.

Therefore, welcome to the list of things I miss. Yes- I know that all I seem to do on this blog of mine is harp on (1) what sucks, (2) what I hate, (3) what I miss, (4) what pisses me off... etc., etc. But, If I were to compose an entire blog filled with rainbows, sunshine and butterflies, y'all would be out like a fat kid in dodgeball.

Misery loves company, but more importantly, I'm funnier when pissed off. Which is why I try to remain bitchy and incorrigible 99% of the time (and also why I like to pick fights with my male friends).

Anyway, without further adieu:

THINGS MOLLY J. MISSES:
I Miss...

... my loss of innocence: circa 1996 (yes girls, it's true- sleeping with him won't make him stay any longer)

... the days when i didn't realize diet coke was rotting my teeth and "ulcering" my stomach (note to friends: ulcer #2 has arrived)

... steamed crabs, the way only Maryland can do it (a whole summer, and not a steamed crab in sight. disgraceful)

... mildly-homeless Eddie (Man, our homeless guy back in DC really knew how to crash a party.)


... the idealism of myself in 1998 ("I know! I'll major in International Affairs and SAVE the World!")

... performing in dinner-theater musicals (dorky: of course, but soul satisfying: you betcha)

Perhaps there is more, but really, I do need to get back to it.

Drop me a line, write me a poem, sing me a song... just keep me informed. And don't take it personally- my cell phone has not been entertaining phone calls for a good long while now. Perhaps I'll dust her off when this madness is over.

*mwah*

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

totally un-original

I didn't write this, but I did laugh a mighty laugh. I miss Hotline... as I miss DC and miss being able to engage in intelligent political discussions. The key word, of course, being intelligent.

Anyway... please enjoy:

TOP TEN QUESTIONS FOR THE JOHN ROBERTS HEARING
As submitted by Hotline reader John Barnes

10. Charles Shumer(D-NY): Could you move a little to the left? You're blocking the TV camera's view of me.

9. Orrin Hatch(R-UT): You say you really like my country music tunes. But do you really, really like them?

8. Richard Durbin(D-IL): Could you help me with a Nazi analogy to describe your previous views?

7. Jeff Sessions(R-AL): Why the heck do you deserve to get confirmed when my confirmation got slammed and now I'm stuck up here with these clowns?

6. Arlen Specter(R-PA): Have you studied Scottish law?

5. Edward Kennedy(D-MA): Where are my pants?

4. Patrick Leahy(D-VT): The Joker, The Riddler and Mr. Freeze -- who's ass do you think Batman would kick quicker?

3. Tom Coburn(R-OK): What are your views of doctors practicing medicine while serving in legislative bodies... say, the Senate for example?

2. Herbert Kohl(D-WI): Who am I? Why am I here?

1. Charles Shumer(D-NY): Now could you lower your head a bit? Thanks. Much better.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Does FEMA Director Mike Brown have an "Office" Complex?

PJ was right, Katrina IS a bitch.**

"I'm assistant regional manager."
"Assistant to the regional manager."
Gareth and David – "The Office" (UK version, Series 1, Episode 1)

Bush administration documents have credited Brown with overseeing emergency services while working for the city of Edmond, Okla., in the mid-1970s. Brown's official biography on the FEMA Web site says he served as "an assistant city manager." But a former mayor of Edmond, Randel Shadid, told AP on Friday that Brown had been an assistant to the city manager — never assistant city manager.

** Production and Design rights belong to Timmy-Tim-Tim Fullerton, AKA "That Guy from Maine"

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Colonial Williamsburg

Hold on to your hats, kids, because I have some big news...(Stephanie, you, in particular, will appreciate this):

I just met the creator, the inventor, the designer... of the COLONIAL WILLIAMSBURG font (among others, but I forgot the others... natch)!!!!!

I know, I know... y'all are jealous, but I don't need no hateration, so back up off me.

Amazing what living in the South will do to a girl... getting EXCITED over FONTS and their CREATORS. I'm going to need some massive brain-washing to bring me back to my Yankee roots. I'm looking forward to it.

kisses, hugs & burritos with lots of guacamole and hot sauce,
~mj

**THIS JUST IN: I just remember that he also mentioned he created the Sam & Libby logo... white hot, isn't it?

Thursday, September 01, 2005

A Star Is Born

As some of you likely know, I may or may not have recently decided to hate a former role model/inspiration of mine. When anyone has his/her idealism shattered, it's not an easy thing to digest. Believe me. I know.

However, today I have located a new role model... may I present Susan F. Wood, former assistant FDA commissioner for women's health and director of the Office of Women's Health.


(Photo Credit: By Lucian Perkins -- The Washington Post)

The Washington Post quotes Wood: "I can no longer serve as staff when scientific and clinical evidence, fully evaluated and recommended for approval by the professional staff here, has been overruled," she wrote in an e-mail to her staff and FDA colleagues.

Damn straight girl! I love it when women stand tall and rise up against what is morally wrong and corrupt! It's so inspiring...

I may know nothing about science- except that it bores me- but I do know this: Politics has NO PLACE in science.

Thank you, and Happy September y'all!