Saved By The Bell

Someday, I'll write my own material. Until then, I give you this (courtesy of my friend THE SPORTS GUY on ESPN.com Page 2). He answers questions that fans of his page write in and ask, and answers them... for all to see. Hilarity ensues:

Q: Please help settle a long-standing debate a friend and I have going. How far did Zack Morris get with Kelly Kapowski?-- Jonathan Chavez, Cambridge, Mass.

Sports Guy: I was thinking about bothering my new ESPN colleague Mario Lopez with this one (sorry, I just had to see how that looked in print) before deciding to take this one myself. I don't think Zack sealed the deal until the "College Years" ... and that show never happened. So I'm going with third base. And I mean "third base" in the context of when the show happened (the early-'90s), not what "third base" means now, which is probably something like "a threesome that isn't videotaped."

Q: Hey Bill, if you submitted your East Coast fantasy rosters to Vegas, do you think they would post odds on your league champion? If I could get +500 or better on Wyman's team, I think I'd take it. I also think I might have a gambling problem.-- Chris M., Bowmanville, Ontario

Sports Guy: In your defense, you live in Bowmanville, Ontario.

Q: I've never heard anyone ever speak of this, but don't you think Forrest Gump would have gotten HIV from Jenny? Or what about Forrest Jr.? I mean, she obviously died of AIDS, with the drugs, needles, orgies and what have you. Do you think either of them got tested? Or maybe he was just so blessed it somehow avoided them. But let's not deny the fact that Forrest Gump had unprotected sex with Jenny while she had HIV. -- Brian G., Quincy, Mass.

SG: Wait a second ... that was your biggest issue with Forrest Gump? What about the scene when he ran back and forth across the country for 18 months, and we never found out how he ate, slept or went to the bathroom? You were fine with that sequence, but you're demanding a Forrest Gump HIV test?

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